Oh you better watch out… and I’m not talking about being naughty or nice. I’m talking about raising kids. Is Santa helping or hindering your parenting goals? Is Santa over-stepping his bounds? Is Santa shooting you in the foot?
Ever since having kids I have wondered how to work the whole Santa thing.
Here are a few values I want to instill in my kids that Santa just may be thwarting:
Honesty
Am I the only one who feels bad about fibbing to my kids about Santa (or the Tooth Fairy, for that matter)? When possible, I try to answer their questions truthfully by saying “I don’t know… I’ve never actually seen Santa” rather than build up this make-believe fellow. Still, I feel bad intentionally deceiving them.
- By fibbing to our kids about Santa are we teaching them that honesty isn’t important?
Faith and Trust
What about when they find out the truth? Will they second-guess everything else I have taught them? I don’t remember when I found out about Santa, but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t one to doubt other things my parents told me. Some children find it more traumatic and begin to question other supposed truths their parents taught.
There is a fine line between fact and fiction in young children. My 4-year-old is at a stage where he often asks if things are real. The other day he asked me if the Backyardigans were real. After we read the scriptures together they will ask if what we read is true. I don’t want my children to doubt the reality of Jesus later because they find out we were fooling them about Santa.
- Will we lose the trust of our children and the faith we try to instill in them by lying about Santa?
Gratitude
I have never liked the notion of Christmas (or birthday) wishlists. If someone wants to get me a gift, I want it to come from the heart. I don’t want someone to just cross something off my list. I like surprises and I am genuinely touched when someone gets or makes me something they think I will like.
Making a list of gift options for the giver creates a certain level of expectation. By asking what a child wants, the giver gives the impression that he will give the child what the child wants. When children expect to get what is on their list, they are disappointed if they don’t get everything they want instead of being grateful for what they do get.
Spoiling children with too many gifts falls in this category as well. When we regularly bury our children in presents, we set the expectation high. When future Christmases fail to meet the precedent, children may be disappointed and ungrateful.
We all tell our kids to say “thank you” after receiving a gift, but being gracious and having gratitude are more than a “thank you” reflex.
- Does asking for presents from Santa spoil our kids and make them less grateful?
Generosity and Selflessness
At Christmas time and throughout their lives, I want my kids to have their hearts directed outward, thinking of others first. I hope that they will, even at their young age, be more excited about what they are giving, than what they are getting.
While the idea of Santa, a man flying around giving free gifts to all, is generous and selfless, he doesn’t promote the generosity or selflessness of others. I have never known Santa to ask “What would you like to give your brother for Christmas?” Instead he just wants us to talk about our own desires.
I have never asked my children what they want for Christmas or their birthdays. I figure it is my job to know them well enough to know what would make them smile. I don’t appreciate that the man in the big red suit keeps focusing their attention on themselves.
- Is Santa causing our children to be too focused on themselves?
Being good for the right reasons
We better be good because Santa Claus is coming to town. “He knows if you’ve been bad or good.” The song says it all. Never mind behaving the other 11 months of the year. Never mind being good and obeying because it’s the right thing to do. Just be good so you’ll get lots of presents.
Of course there is the classic threat of getting coal in your stocking, but I’m pretty sure most parents wouldn’t follow through with that.
- Are we teaching our children to only be good when there is a sizable reward at stake?
What we do
Our kids learned about the logistics of Santa from their friends before we had decided exactly what to do about Old Saint Nick. We have played along minimally. They learn the classic Santa songs and know that he brings gifts. We usually let Santa claim the gifts that we leave unwrapped, though we haven’t always been clear about that. The kids know that Santa isn’t a skilled seamstress like Mommy though, so it’s pretty obvious which things Santa did not bring.
What we don’t do
We have never taken our kids to the mall or department store to sit on Santa’s lap or get a picture with Santa. You’ve all seen the obligatory pictures of terrified kids screaming on Santa’s lap. When else would you let an old man you don’t know and can’t see for his disguise, hold your terrified, screaming child on his lap while you laugh and take pictures?
Actually the main reason we don’t do the sit-on-Santa’s lap tradition is because we don’t want them to get in the habit of focusing on their wants and wishlists. We don’t have our kids write letters to put in their requests to Santa.
We don’t overdo it with the presents. I love the saying “Something you want, Something you need, Something to wear and Something to read.” Of course I define “want” as something the giver thinks the child would like, rather than what the child saw in the commercials and has been begging for all month. It’s fine to give “needs” as presents. We are also fine with new-to-them presents. There is nothing wrong with picking up gifts secondhand.
We don’t use Santa as a threat. It’s tempting sometimes to say “You better be good or else” or “Santa’s watching” or “Are you being naughty or nice?”. We want our kids to be “nice” and good for the right reason, not for a threat that we likely wouldn’t follow through with anyway.
I don’t think there is one universal right way to incorporate Santa into our Christmas traditions, but you might want to check your list twice before you put on your red suit and black boots this Christmas.
- What do you think? Is Santa shooting YOU in the foot?
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As a grandma of many (25 at last count) I think there’s a big difference in lying to your kids & indulging in imagination. When you first read them stories about Winnie the Pooh I’m sure they don’t separate that from “real life”. But eventually they will & the transition will be seamless. Kids are smart & I think it’s a shame to deprive them of whimsy. Life gets serious way too soon; find a happy medium. I have to admit something, tho. My birthday is New Year’s Day & for the first few years I thought the parades & fireworks were all about me! Nobody told me that, I just assumed. No ego problems here. Lol
Yes! I agree with all of your points. Here’s why my kid never believed in Santa, and we are planning to handle it the same way with his baby sister. It’s important to teach kids to respect those who DO believe, but we’ve found it pretty simple, especially when combined with teaching that Santa is someone we all can be to one another.
I’m honored to be mentioned in this post 😉 I’m definitely going to get my husband to read this post Stephanie. Thanks for breaking it down. It’s nice to see what a like-minded person does with their own children.
You’re welcome, Sara! Have a wonderful Christmas!
We moved to NZ when I was eight and I grew up not knowing anything about ‘Santa’ because it’s not part of my culture. I can’t decide if I think that whole thing is creepy or cute. Also unsure what we will do when we have kids! I don’t really want to opt in, to be honest.
If it’s not part of your culture, then it would be easy to opt out or do it minimally. Thankfully you’ve got lots of time to decide what you want to do.
Thanks for stopping by!
AMEN!!! I totally love this. My kids (1, 5, and 11), well at least the two older ones, know all about the traditions of Santa. We do get pictures (but that’s mostly because my father is a real-bearded Santa), but they don’t give Santa a wish list or write letters. We do stockings and gifts, but the kids know they are from us. It really is the best of both worlds: enjoying the tradition with out the disappointment or lying.
Thanks so much for sharing! (Stopping by from SITS)
How fun that your father is a real-bearded Santa! I think it’s the fake beards that make some Santas look creepy (anyone could be behind there)!
That’s fun to have the best of both worlds.
Santa was never a real figure in my house growing up, and I’m really proud of my parents for raising us kids in a way that really taught us to be grateful–I’m not quite sure how they stumbled across the formula, but they did! Money is tight for my parents right now, so what my Mom bought my sisters for Christmas was jeans and bras, because the clothes that they do have either don’t fit right or are very worn out. I was talking to my 16 year old sister about this Christmas, and she told me how happy she was about those Christmas gifts, saying that she really didn’t expect anything, so they were a complete bonus in her eyes! That really touched my heart–I’m not sure “the average” American teen would have such a graceful and mature response, but to me, that’s a benefit of NOT raising your children to think they should have everything they want!
Rachel that is heartwarming to her of your thoughtful mother and gracious sisters. Your parents really must have the secret formula 🙂 Thanks for sharing!
I see it as imagination also. I don’t put forth an effort by visiting santa or taking pictures with him but I mention it a few times. I think some kids may see it as a trust thing but for the most part I don’t think kids are that affected by it at least none of the kids I grew up with. I remember when I found out I was about 8 and caught my mom wrapping gifts she said I am Santa lol. Stopping over from SITS
That’s awesome that you caught your mom wrapping presents and she confessed 🙂
I don’t really see it as a lie though…
I see it as embracing imagination. (And, to be entirely honest? I believe in Santa. No, not a fat man in a red suit breaking and entering. But to me, he’s so much more. He’s the spirit of giving. Giving of time, self and sometimes money or gifts.)
So when my daughter asks? (Be it Santa, Fairies, Unicorns or anything else) I respond “What do you think?” And if she says yes? I say ok and let her go on her way. If she says no, I open dialogue.
I think that’s great to ask your kids what they think. That’s what I try to do, then after they say what they think they’ll say, “but what do YOU think mom?”
Thanks for sharing Jacque!
Growing up as a pastor’s kid, my parents never wanted to lie to us about anything. Like you mentioned, they were afraid that if one day they told us that Santa wasn’t real, that we would also think Jesus wasn’t real, plus lose our trust in them. So they never did the Santa thing. Sure, we have pictures of sitting in Santa’s lap and we had books with Santa in it, but we always knew the truth. And honestly, as kids (and even now looking back), we didn’t care AT ALL. We still got presents, we just knew they were from my parents and were able to thank THEM accordingly. I think that as long as young kids get gifts, I really don’t think they would care who they were from. From the get-go if you don’t do Santa, then it’s not like your kids would know “what they were missing” or know Christmas any differently. My children are 7 and 4 and they have always known that Santa is “fake.” However, they are also trained to be respectful and not spoil it for anyone else. My 4 year old daughter thinks it’s hilarious when an adult mentions Santa and then when that adult is not around, my daughter will ask me if that grownup really believes in Santa. 😛 However, we still joke about Santa in our home and I will tease the kids and tell them they better be good or else… 😛 My son also told me one day that it would be impossible for reindeer to fly or for one person to deliver presents to the entire world in one night. Also, that we don’t even have a chimney. Anyway, to sum this long annoying comment up, I’ll just say that Christmas can be just as fun whether you lie to your children about Santa or not. And if you don’t do the whole Santa thing, then your children can truly focus on Jesus at Christmas. These are just my opinions, and I’m very respectful of other people/Christians who choose to do the Santa thing. Like Halloween, I believe it’s a personal conviction and you need to do what you and husband feel that God would have your family do. Hope this helps!
Liz, I love your comments:)
That is wonderful to hear how your parents were honest with you and that as a kid you got to play along and not ruin it for other kids. That’s great that you have taught your kids (through your example, no doubt) to be respectful of other’s ideas.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s really helpful to hear ideas that work for others!
Thanks, and I love your blog! So blessed to have found it. Finally, someone who can related to being 6 figures under due to career debt. 😛
Thanks Liz! I’m glad you found me too!
Great post! I’m not going to have my kids sit on Santa’s lap either. Too creepy and mean too. Plus, who keeps those pictures?!?
Seriously! Kids will use them to blame their parents for scarring them for life 🙂