As parents, it’s tough to see your children struggle. Watching them suffer in sickness or pain tugs at your heart strings. You want to relieve their suffering or take their place.
It’s easy to see how the parental love that compels us to rescue and save our children would extend to other areas of hardship.
With an estimated 70% of college graduate dealing with student loan debt, many parents are watching their adult children deal with rough financial times. Naturally, they want to do what they can to help.
While the instinctive reaction of parents might be to pay off their children’s debts and give them a fresh start, that might not actually be the most helpful in many cases. I won’t go into all of the reasons here, but it often does more harm than good to bail your adult children out of their financial problems.
Also, many parents simply don’t have the means to help their adult children out financially.
Whether it’s a lack of means, or just on principle, there are plenty of ways that you can help your adult children with their debt without actually paying off their debt.
How can you help your adult children financially without helping them financially?
How can you help your adult children with their financial troubles without simply throwing money at their problems? That’s a question that forces us to think outside of the box and be a little creative.
Here are some ideas that you can apply individually to your situation:
Support their efforts
One of the biggest ways that parents can help their adult children with debt is to support their children’s own efforts to pay down their debt. For example, a grandparent could help with childcare while the parents work extra hours to pay off debt. This helps your adult children to help themselves.
When we were working hard to pay off six figures of student loan debt, my in-laws allowed us to live in their basement rent-free.
The options will vary by circumstance and you might have to think creatively to find a way to help your children to help themselves.
Share your experience
If you’ve been in a similar situation, share your experience. The details won’t be the same, but that’s okay. Sometimes it’s just nice to know someone who has been where you are and survived.
Focus on feelings, rather than solutions. Don’t claim to have all the answers because you’ve been there and don’t tell them you know how they feel, but share how you felt in a similar situation and let them relate it to how they are feeling under the burden of debt.
Be encouraging
You might be a listening ear for the frustration and overwhelm that you indebted adult child feels, but you can respond with positivity and encouragement.
Respond to hopelessness with hope. Commiserating and pity parties don’t motivate people to success.
Paying off debt and changing habits can be a long, hard road. Your support and encouragement will boost their confidence in their ability.
Share your skills
Do you have useful skills that you could teach to impact their finances? Of course you do!
Many frugal life skills are lost on my generation and the generation after me. Skills like cooking from scratch, mending clothes, growing a garden, budgeting, or changing the oil in the car can make a difference financially.
Don’t judge
Being judgmental (or coming across as judgmental) will shut down communication and squash trust. If you really want to show that you’re on their side, don’t be critical of their decisions, past or present.
This may take some tongue-biting, but not being critical or judgmental is the best way to open up your adult children to the wisdom you have to share with them. If they don’t feel judged, your children are much more likely to come to you for advice and support.
Share your wisdom
Depending on your current relationship, this may go over like a lead balloon or be wildly successful. If your kids respect your advice, then offer it gently a little at a time. You’ll know you’re successful if they start asking for more.
If your adult children are more private about financial matters, you might consider sharing ideas more generally. You can even put an offer out to let them know you’re available to talk about finances if they’re interested. Then the ball’s in their court, but you’ve made yourself available as a resource.
If you already have a rough relationship, then focus on showing love and improving your relationship first.
Some words of caution
Every family is different. What worked well for your neighbor or you child’s roommate’s parents or so-and-so from church, won’t necessarily be the best for you. Even when the financial situations look similar, the personalities, preferences, and relationships may be vastly different.
Be only as invested as they are. You might be stressed to the max about your son’s six figure debt from dental school, but until he is ready to take it seriously, you’re only going to frustrate yourself (and your relationship) by taking matters into your own hands.
Prioritize the relationship. When it comes down to it, money is just money. Don’t let money get in the way of your relationship. Love them no matter what and show it.
Before taking out your wallet to solve your children’s problems, consider alternative ways that you can help your adult children face their debts. While it will take more work to support them through their own payoff rather than rescue them, their character, finances, self-worth, and relationships will surely benefit in the long run.
How about you?
I would love to hear your input and experience!
- Parents–How have you helped your adult children deal with debt (without paying it for them)?
- Adult children— What could your parents do to help you with your debt?
Our daughter is a nurse and makes good money but no matter what she brings in she is always living above her means. At age 38+ and us in our 70’s we just want to have a calm retirement but she is always asking for help solving her payments. Her mailbox is always overrunning with bills and debt collectors.
She’s mother of 4 with two “baby daddies” they like us are overwhelmed with her constant drama.
She’s won’t take 99%of advice and just talking on the subject makes our relationship more difficult.
At a loss for answers and at this point all we want is to be left alone
Hello, I am in need of advise for my 30-year-old stepson. He lives far away from us so we cannot visit him. He lives alone and has just lost his Mom, cat, and best friend. He is not employed and has $12000.00 in debt and no way to support himself now. He only has a grade 12 education so cannot get off minimum wage. Is there any Gov’t help he can access? I think he needs to declare bankruptcy and seek out Medical support.
Lynn
Hi Lynn,
I can tell that you really care about and want to help your stepson. There is so much help available, you just have to know where to look. I recently learned about the resources in the county where I live and I was astounded. The county’s office of education has many adult education programs that are completely free and lead straight to a livable wage career. I had no idea the office of education offered so much for adults. Also, search out the Workforce Investment Board (or workforce development board) in the state where he lives. They have resources to train individuals and help them find great jobs. Not knowing where he lives, I don’t have lots of specific details, but those are two great places to start.
In addition to finding a job, try to pump him full of encouragement. It sounds like he is going through a lot and could use a good dose of hope. It’s a really great time to find a job. There is a shortage of workers, so employers are having to do whatever they can to entice workers. I don’t think bankruptcy over $12,000 of debt is necessarily the best avenue, but seeking medical/mental health help would probably help him to get the confidence/frame of mind to tackle his debt and take control of his finances. Declaring bankruptcy won’t teach him anything or change his financial habits or knowledge. Getting a job, providing for himself, and paying off his debt, on the other hand, will build character, self-esteem, and good financial habits so he won’t end up back in this situation again. He will need some guidance along the way to learn how to manage money, but he needs to LEARN otherwise he’ll just be back in the same situation. Filing bankruptcy might sound like a “quick fix,” but it won’t teach him how to manage money and would probably make him feel worse about himself.
Wishing you the best in helping your stepson!
Tell him the local Sheriff’s Office is probably always hiring Detention Officers. Detention Officers are not Police Officers but civilian jailers.
You have to have a clean record and background but as long as you don’t screw up the interview they will probably hire you. There is lots of OT and good benefits to go with it.
My daughter has moved back home at 32. She decided a couple years ago to run an online business as she’s a registered dietician. She changed degrees, then proceeded to get her master’s degree in nutrition after six years. We provided her with a car and made sure her loans didn’t capitalize and paid a $22,000 loan for her. She confided the online business has more than tripled her student debt. She’s determined that it will pay off and everything is tax deductible. She has no car because she can not afford it. We have to have this difficult conversation about money. We are frugal and have our home almost paid for and will retire in four more years. We want to support her and her brother has a car he could give her, but we can’t not because it will not make a difference. She’s in some sort of small business group that she goes to conferences quite frequently to get all pumped up with motivation, frequently moody. She made a flight to go to another conference and assumed we would take her to the airport. We can’t help her, so have to implement tough love her. My fear is being too critical and not staying calm having this difficult conversation with her. Not sure how to go about this…
Hi there
My son gambles and has debts to alot of people and the figures are in the thousands now..
Ive suggested to make a plan each time he gets paid from work ..
How do I know that he has come to a dead end n is now being hunted down for monies owing?
how or what type of system would work for him?
This makes some great points and advice for how to help adult children with debt. Finances can be such a touchy subject. Thank you for linking up with us at the #HomeMattersParty this week.
Our daughter and Son-in-Law keep to a very tight budget in order to pay his way through grad school without incurring student loan debt.
We try to keep our eyes and ears open for needs they might have as they arise, and we choose to give practical gifts as we are able: material goods (clothing for the baby as she outgrows a size) gift certificates to stores where they do business, how to books (that teach skills or contain useful recipes for cooking or home care products.)
They live 6 hours away, so we can’t babysit on a daily basis, but we do try to plan our schedule around their needs and have been able to help with some weekend childcare.
We are able to communicate with them about resource sharing and they know they are welcome to “shop” our basement and art and craft supplies for anything we have that they might need. By the same token, they will call us if in their thrift store shopping they find something they know we are looking for.
We have a sister-in-law who clips coupons for them and they pass on ones they don’t need to others who might use them.
On my last visit to their house I tackled some advanced mending projects for them including repairs to a quilt, jeans and shoes.
Vacations: currently we are planning a short camping trip with our daughter and granddaughter during a time when our SIL can not get away from work and another one with them all so our SIL can unwind and rest from his very demanding summer job before the start of the next school year.
We also took a lesson from your family and when their car was totaled in an accident we contacted our mechanic and asked if he knew of any reliable vehicles in good condition for sale in their price range. He had been working on a 4 year old van that had belonged to a local agency. By working together they were able to get it for less than half of the book value.
I think support is really important and financial education. I am determined to give my daughter the best and varied information regarding money.
Yes! I agree Francesca! 🙂
I think talking about money is great. My parents, grandparents, siblings, nieces, nephews, children, husband and I have on going dicussions about student debt. We talk about how to save money to help pay it off quicker a lot. I hope by openly talking about our 6 figure student loan debt we can help our children/nieces/nephews avoid the same path.
I other ways to support efforts is to have family celebrations at home instead of a restaurant. If you do family vacations keep it low key. Every year one of my Mom’s sisters hosts a family camp out for her 10 children and their families. My cousins and their children look forward to the trip every year.
That’s great that you have an ongoing discussion in your family. That is so healthy and will definitely benefit the younger generation.
Frugal family celebrations and get-togethers are so much nicer than expensive ones!
One of the biggest problems I have noticed is that in many families, parents make debt into the elephant in the room that no one talks about. I know so many people in their 20s and 30s who are hiding debt from their parents simply because they feel ashamed. I feel like the best thing that parents can do for their kids is to talk to them about debt and money from an early age, bring it out in the open from the start so that their children are comfortable enough to be honest about it as adults.
That’s so true Nicole. It’s so sad they feel like they have to hide it. Communication and education starting young is so important