I recently heard from a reader asking for advice on how to tell her husband about her debt. While we’ve talked about whether debt in marriage is considered yours, mine, or ours, we haven’t discussed the dynamics of divulging your debt to a spouse. I will be the first to admit that I have no experience in this department.
Since her situation is very different from mine, I offered to turn her question over to my readers for help.
C’s Story
I have been acquiring debt since 2009 when our son became sick and was diagnosed with cancer. My credit card debt included household/family bills, medical bills, coping/grieving costs, stress shopping, along with items for college (I was going back to school for my RN). After our son passed away, I also found it hard to not buy our other son gifts, since while we were away taking care of our oldest, our youngest was living with family.
I am currently working with Lutheran Social Services. They have consolidated my credit cards for me. Every month I pay $944 to them and then they pay my credit cards. Originally my total debt was $37,258. Now I have $33,491 remaining. I should have them all paid for in 4 years.
My husband gives me $2,000 every month to pay bills Additionally, I bring in around $650 after taxes, insurance, dependent care, flex spending.
My husband has no clue about my credit card debt. He doesn’t know that I pay $944 each month for my credit card consolidation.
I have cut up all my credit cards that are under the LSS plan. I do have one credit card that I use for my Mary Kay and 31 business. I do sometimes have to use that credit card if my husband does not give me the money to pay for extra bills that may come up that we did not expect.
My husband has money, but it all goes back into the farm. His mother takes care of our farm checking account and paying the farm bills out of there. If I need extra money I have to ask her for a check.
My husband is a saver. His way of thinking is if there is not money in the bank, then don’t pay the bill. He feels that if you put something on your credit card you should be able to pay it off when the bill comes. He does not have anything to do with our home checking account.
I have tried to do a budget and I have tried to talk to my husband about it. He thinks that budgets are stupid. He just wants to know how much money I need from him a year. He doesn’t understand that unexpected expenses arise such as tires for the car or extra medical expenses. I have asked my husband to also sit down with my to pay the bills, and he doesn’t have the time. He has never sat down to help pay the bills or asked what bills we have.
How do I tell my husband about my debt?
Please gently offer any kind-hearted advice on how C can go about telling her husband about her debt situation. She is open to any suggestions that your might have. Feel free to share any similar experiences that might help. Remember that the purpose of Wednesday Debt Discussions is to encourage and support one another.
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This is a super painful situation. I wonder if the son’s death (C, if you’re reading this, I’m so sorry) isn’t affecting it in other ways — how is the marriage doing in the wake of that? It sounds like C and her husband are maybe having trouble talking about a lot of things. So maybe she should start by seeing if her husband will go to counseling with her. Grief counseling, and getting them talking to each other about the last few years in general, might make it easier to get to the money conversation.
Thanks for your input Cecilia. I think that is a great point.
I wish the best, I know how hard it is to be responsible about the home finances they want everything taking care of and paid for for but they don’t want to help our know about it. They don’t realize that things happen that every day everything is going up in price my husband also thinks that what worked a couple months ago still works now. I understand that just the stress alone about how to tell you husband about the debt is bad enough and there is the stress about the debt it’s self. The honest truth is that if you are not afraid of your husband just sit him down and explain how you both got to were you are because in some way or another your debt is his debt and he is as responsable as you are , finances should be done together a marriage can not run alone and the household expenses can’t either. The worst that can happen is you can finally sleep in peace you have gone through enough already you deserve peace of mind I wish you the very best and good luck just do it quick like a band- aid quick and a little painlfull good luck.
It will be painful, but I agree that the outcome will be worth it!
First, my condolences for the loss of your son. That is a terrible burden and helps paint the picture about how your finances got out of control.
I don’t believe in one spouse doing all of the financial management and the other washing their hands of it. I can say this because I was the hand washer (like your husband) and my husband was “trying” to manage everything. That didn’t go well.
Now I realize it takes two to manage the family finances. So even though I am the one now who pays the bills and is the primary CFO for our family, I ensure that he is kept informed and we discuss regularly what is going well and what is not going so well.
It seems to me that this is missing in your family. Your husband is saying how much income do you need and then washing his hands of everything leaving you to manage it all alone. What type of partnership is that?
As painful as it will be, you need to come clean and tell him of the situation and tell him you need his help to solve it. Tell him the way things have been going is not working for you and you feel the stress and burden and feel very alone trying to manage it all. Prepare your self for some negativity, but stand firm and say that you need him to work with you as a team and figure out what is the best thing to do. Tell him it’s not a one time thing, it’s an ongoing discussion and you want to have family CFO meetings with him weekly. Figure out what your strengths are that you can bring to the table and what his strengths are. Maybe he doesn’t mind being responsible for looking at the flyers for sales and doing the grocery shopping. If that’s not his thing, then maybe he should take over the bill paying. Discuss whether you need to go to cash only budgeting. Every procedure and responsibility should be on the table and up for negotiation. Above all, remember you are a team and need to function like a team and don’t let him abscond on these responsibilities. My husband was all too happy to give up the responsibilities after making a complete mess of our financial situation, but I will not let him slink away and now leave it to me to clean up the mess. You can’t do the same either. Good luck. If you have any other questions or situations that you would like advice on, let me know. I’m all ears, and I’ve got a nose I don’t mind sticking into your business if you invite me to. 😉
I agree that finances work better when both spouses are involved!
You are describing my situation exactly. He thinks the 2k monthly is enough. I do not work, business folded, and the slack I took is no longer there. I’m older and having a hard time finding a job. My husband is wealthy, but only spends on himself(doing it for retirement) is what he says. I have no way of paying these cc bills and have to speak up. I suspect it will end my marriage. I’m ok with that too because I feel like a nobody to him anymore. Can’t afford a lawyer.
Dear C,
My condolences go out to you and your family for the loss of your son. This is not a burden carried lightly and I hope that you have the support you need from your family.
The burden of your secret credit card debt is such a huge one to carry that I absolutely encourage you to talk to your husband about it. I have never personally gone through this, but here are some things that I think could help:
1. Make a list of all the monthly bills you need to pay. He seems to give you some kind of ballpark allowance that you’re supposed to work with and he doesn’t even know if it’s enough. He wants you to tell him how much money you will need. When you talk to him about this, you need to have that list.
2. Make a list of unexpected expenses that came up in the past month or two that left you scrambling for money to pay them with. These are good examples for why you need rainy day funds and need to be prepared for ‘car tires’ or ‘dishwasher broke’.
3. Tell your husband that you have something very important to discuss with him and that it needs his attention. Make a specific date for it and plan at least two or three hours for it. If you don’t make a specific date, it’s easy to keep postponing it. When making that date, explain to him how important it is that you talk about this. You are supposed to be paying the bills but you only get a set allowance and he doesn’t know what bills need to be paid with it.
4. I would start out with the “bad news”: You have credit card debt that was incurred while your son got sick. That’s a fact. You’ve arranged for it to be paid off and it is one of the bills you are paying now. This will hopefully show him how important it is for you to be doing a budget.
5. Show him a preliminary budget. If he gives you an allowance then you can budget with what he gives you. Show him what money goes where and what money you want to budget for rainy day funds like car tires and such. Include the debt payment like a normal bill.
6. Hopefully feel better about the situation.
Also, C, you have already done the most important things. You have faced your debt and tackled it in a way you can deal with. I admire your strength in this situation and I hope that you will come out of this on top and stronger than before.
Thanks for sharing your ideas Carolin. I’m also impressed at the steps C has taken so far even without any support. When we face trials head-on we always come out stronger on the other side.
My heart goes out to you, C. I am so sorry you lost your son. I can imagine this is stressful and I admire you for already having the debt payment plan in place. That is a struggle without support. One idea is to write your husband a letter. That way you can say in your words all that you want to say. Let him know that you hope to discuss this with him at length and work through it together. Then, hopefully, he can read it and process it a little before reacting. I also second the suggestion to see a counselor together. I know it will be a difficult thing to do but it will be worth it to be able to be honest in your relationship again.
What a great idea Jill! Writing can really help you to organize your thoughts and make sure to get everything out.
First i would like to say how sorry i am for your loss. I have seen in a family member how hard this can be. To your question, I agree with the idea of writing a letter. It is so much easier to “filter” what you say when you are writing it instead of having a conversation. Also giving him the letter gives him time to re-read it if he needs to and look at things again. But also make sure that you “book” a meeting or date to talk about the letter. Ask him in the letter if he has any suggestions if he can write them down and take them. I realize the situation you are in with bill paying etc. I do the same. But I do like to sit my husband down at times and have a sheet written out or printed out with all the expenses and income with room for incidentals and show him where the money goes and what we need per month to get by. He never realized all of it when I did that the first time and I think it almost shocked him. It also seemed like talking to him this way made him feel more like a partner then just a moneymaker and I think our relationship has improved because of it. I wish you all the best with this.
Those are some great, thoughtful suggestions Herma!
How lonely you must feel carrying this burden by yourself….and after losing a child.
I was really struck by the fact that your husband is not a willing partner in understanding at least the regular financial chores i.e., bill paying. I wonder why he wants to be so hands-off.
My prayer for you is that you feel a tremendous sense of relief once you are no longer carrying this secret and that you and your husband grow closer and work as a financial team.
I can’t imagine carrying that burden alone either. It will be such a relief to get that off your chest.
I have not gone through this situation personally, but I will give the best advice that I can.
First, I would sit your husband down and tell him everything. Do not forget a single thing. In fact I would have the bills in front of me with numbers included. I would make sure that he understand the severity of the situation and that you need help. After all marriage is a partnership. He will more than likely be upset, but it is important that he knows all of it.
Secondly, since you are showing him a problem I would offer YOUR idea as to a solution. Then ask his thoughts, opinions, etc. ********I would say I owe $XX and I have to pay $YY to the company. We would need to cut ABCD in order for this to work. What are your thoughts? ******* He obviously doesn’t want to be bothered with details. This may just be his personality. So I think that if you go to him with a solution (even if its only half baked) at least he will see that you are interested in a positive change, and he may be more willing to help.
Lastly, I would see a grief counselor or join a grief group. Spending when you are grieving is common and those people could help.
Like I stated earlier, I’ve never actually been through this before so I don’t have all the answers , but I think honesty with your husband is the biggest thing. I also think going to him with an idea as to a solution and a positive attitude would help tremendously.
Good luck with your financial endeavors. Remember this is just a bump in the road and it will get better
Thanks for your thoughtful advice CeCee. You’re right that in the big picture this will be just a bump in the road, even though now I’m sure it’s overwhelming.
I haven’t personally gone through this, but my first instinct, depending on how you think he will react, and also because some of the debt seems to have been acquired in relation to the death of your son (which makes me choke up just to type, I am so sorry) would be to talk with a counselor about it.
It might be a good idea to go by yourself for a little while at first and then bring your husband in so there is someone who understands the situation present to help mediate.
I think that this approach would help both of you get on the same page and help you develop a workable plan to move forward with.
Best to you and your family!
I also wanted to add that since you mentioned some of the debt was from medical bills that that is not something you should feel any guilt over or bear the burden of alone. Just thought I’d throw that out there.
I agree that counselling might be a good idea. I wonder if Lutheran Social Services (where she did her debt consolidation) has counseling services too.
I have debit that my husband don’t know about and if its not taken care of soon it will be bad..i had told him of some and he was very abuse ….the walls are closing in on me now so something as to happen so…scared don’t know what to do
Oh Tanya! That breaks my heart! I’m sorry to hear that thinks are rocky in your finances and marriage. My prayers are with you that things will work out. During January, I’m doing a Frugal Fresh Start challenge that should give you some ideas and motivation to help get your finances in order. Best wishes!
This is what happened to me with my husband. I was a spender and he was a saver. He didn’t know how much debt I had until a collection service started calling the house. So, I fessed up. He was understandably upset. We argued and argued about it until we were both blue in the face. It was my debt and I needed to handle it was the attitude. The feeling was terrible. I felt like I had let him down, but it wasn’t me letting him down, it was me letting myself down. I later apologized to him and told him that yes it was my responsibility to take care of my debt, but that I truly needed his help.
Well, he did. He has helped over and over and over again. He doesn’t believe in budgets either, but he realized that MY debt had now become OUR debt. It affected our credit approvals, buying a home, and getting loans for home repairs. It was a mess, but we got through it. I still have a little debt left over, but they are medical bills only. It took longer than I wanted, but I took my licks and moved forward.
My advice is to tell him you have something thoroughly important to tell him, that it could affect the success of the farm (because it can) and that you need his help. Don’t keep it a secret. Trust that he will understand and hopefully help. Yes, he will get upset and he may even yell, but he needs to know. After the two of you come up with a plan to move forward, I recommend selling every unnecessary asset you have to help pay down the debt faster. Have a yard sale every summer, sell a personalized service, get creative with your Mary Kay and 31 business. The point is to have multiple lines of income until your debt is gone. It will be hard work, but I know you can do it!
Thanks for sharing your experience and good insights Mari.
No problem. Let me know if I can help further!