Do you know the number one contributing factor to our debt repayment success thus far? I’m not talking about dedication, hard work, perseverance or other important characteristics. I mean a solid, measurable contributing factor. It’s our living situation.
Anyone who has looked at our monthly budget reports quickly notices that we don’t pay any rent or utilities. Even taking our higher gas budget (because of the commute) into account, we easily save $1,200-$1,500 or more per month living in my husband’s parents’ basement. We’ve been here for nearly three years. That’s a savings of around $50,000 so far. It’s easy to see that living with my in-laws for free is the reason we are able to make headway on our student loan debt.
Recently I got an email from a reader who is ready to crack down on student debt. She and her husband and two young children are planning to move in with her parents to expedite the payoff process. They will be sharing the same kitchen and living area with them. She’s optimistic, but looking for any advice or insights to help prevent any problems and have a great experience.
Sometimes people email with questions that I don’t feel very qualified to answer (like this one), but this one is right up my alley. After all, I’ve been doing it (with success, I might add) for quite a while now. Even though we have essentially our own basement apartment in my in-laws’ home, we also spent a couple of months (the summer before the last year of law school) sharing a kitchen, bathroom, and living area with my in-laws (before the basement had its own facilities). I also talked to several friends with experience living with their in-laws so I could get other perspectives. Here’s what I’ve pulled together from our combined experiences.
Make a Game Plan
Living with family indefinitely can be hard on both parties. Having a time frame or goal of when you will plan to head back out on your own again can be helpful. Also, if you’re married make sure both spouses are on-board with the living situation, so you don’t cause extra stress or resentment.
Know What is Expected
When you’re sharing a living space, it goes without saying that you will do your share of the housework, cooking, and other chores. Asking questions in the beginning will help things go smoothly and help to ensure that everyone is on the same page.
Will you be paying any rent? Do they want you to help pay for utilities? How will using the kitchen work? Will you each purchase your own ingredients and eat separately or will you eat together each day. Who will cook? Who will clean up?
There will be lots of logistics to work out. It’s best to get as much of that taken care of before moving in, though new situations will surely arise after you move in.
Set Up House Rules and Boundaries
Whether it’s a quiet time, wearing shoes in the house, or types of permitted entertainment, there are lots of possible “rules” to consider. Be extra sensitive to your family member’s preferences. After all, they are doing you a huge favor.
We made specific rules for our kids about when they could go up to Grammy’s house. They have to ask our permission, and if we say it’s okay, then they have to knock on the upstairs door to see if it’s a good time to go up and visit. We are careful to give them lots of space and privacy (our kids would go up there every day if we would let them).
Communicate Openly and Honestly
Open and honest communication is not only the key to a wonderful marriage, it’s the key to a great relationship with your in-laws too! At least it has been for us. Whenever a question or concern arises, talk about it right away. Don’t let things stew or fester. It’s much better to solve differences before they become problems.
bWe all have quirks and shortcomings. One of my friends who lived with her in-laws for years said, “If something is bothering you even if it’s something small, first decide if its worth getting upset about, then let them know as soon as you can so you can figure it out together. Don’t take it personally if something is bothering them.” In all your communication be kind. Be humble. Be forgiving.
Be Responsible with Your Money
Assuming that the reason you are living with family is to save money or pay off debt, you should be focused on that goal. If your new housing arrangement is just freeing up money so you can take trips to Disneyland, buy fancy electronics and update your wardrobe, I imagine your generous relative might get frustrated. You might think it’s none of their business, but in many ways it is. They are investors in your family’s financial success. As investors, they have an interest in your success and wise use of resources. Being responsible with your money will show that you appreciate the kindnesses your family is showing.
Prioritize Relationships
Little things will inevitably come up. There will be hard times, frustrating experiences, and awkward moments. Remember that relationships with your family members will trump most anything that could come up. These aren’t roommates that will disappear once the semester is over. These are people you love and that love you. Do what you can to make these times in close quarters an opportunity to strengthen relationships instead of destroy them.
Show Gratitude Often
Your relative is doing you a huge favor by letting you live with them to help save you money on what is generally the most expensive line of your budget. Let them know that you recognize their sacrifice and you appreciate it. Express your thanks in words, service, or plates of freshly baked cookies. However you do it, make sure to show your gratitude.
One of my wise friends mentioned the importance of always showing gratitude rather than criticism when you speak about your family members. It can be easy to focus on finding faults when you live closely with someone. Focusing on the positive will help you be happier and will bless all of your relationships.
Honestly, our experience has been great! We have never had any real problems. Our relationship has only improved since living together. Don’t get me wrong– we are very excited to get this debt paid off so we can get our own place again. In the meantime, there are some wonderful benefits besides the finances. I am learning lots from my in-laws and really cherish my relationship with them. I love that our kids get to know their grandparents so well. We are so thankful for the way they are blessing our lives.
How About You?
- Have you ever considered living with family to save money or pay off debt?
- What advice do you have for someone who is about to move in with family?
- What tips do you have specifically for sharing living space with family?
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Pretty good post. I found your website just right for my needs. Thanks for sharing the great information. Good Luck!
I’ve got to say, my opinion is that a married couple living with parents to pay student loans is just too extreme… especially if kids are involved… forget it. I honestly think that while they may seem like good financial advice, it’s extremely poor relationship advice for the vast vast majority of people…
I am not even trying to be rude. I just hope anyone who sees this knows that living with parents or inlaws is no joke. If you’re single / not married … well, that’s one thing. But bringing your spouse / family to live with parents or inlaws… unless it’s the ONLY choice other than being homeless, seems ridiculous to me…
All of them ideas which you have mention in the above article are awesome. I should be utilize your ideas . i hope it is best for me
Hello, I’m glad things are working out well for you. Sharing a kitchen is tough!
I was able to live with my in-laws for a few months while my husband and I got a small apartment. I was 18 at the time and he was 21. Forward 3 years, and we are still in the same place because we can’t afford to save enough for a down payment on a house. I seriously wish we could have stayed with them to save.
In our case, it was better for us to live seperately, since my husband never experienced household responsibilities. Now, he knows what to do when I am not around. He also knows how to take care of a small child(our baby boy). He had never changed a childs diaper, or ever watch another child on his own. It was good for him and for me to get to learn these things on our own. If we would have stayed, my mother-in-law would have continued to do everything , and both of us would not know of really caring for a household. Struggling taught us to be responsible. She is a good person, she just never taught any of her children how to run a household. They were taught to work hard, which many other people lack. Now though, we have all grown up. His parents see us as one family-FINALLY!
Now…I think is a great time we can all talk about moving in. Both of their daughters are getting married this year and leaving, so they will need some serious help with bills. I feel a little bad for them as well.
People forget marriage is about two people and you will not know what you and your spouse are capable of until you have your own place.
I think it’s great that you have found yourself happy living with family. Not everyone can do that. Good for you
Thanks for sharing your experience Morena. I can totally see how that would be hard to make the separation and be autonomous when you lived with them right in the beginning of your marriage. Since we owned a house before and had 6 years of marriage (and three kids) before moving into my in-laws basement, it was easy for them to see us as “grown-ups.” You just have to figure out what works in your own situation.
Glad that this arrangement is working for you, or really YOU’RE making it work. My experience was horrible. WE lived with my in laws when I moved to the US after marriage, not for saving money, but to be close and connected. Everything was wrong about that. They interfered, controlled our life, spendings, investments, friends, vacations, raising our son, even me visiting my family overseas. I wasn’t working and felt obligated to contribute by doing all the housework, cooking, cleaning, grocery, house sitting, even serving breakfasts, packing lunches, and staying up late till they returned from work for dinner time, and sacrificed any and all privacy, and social life, even on weekends. After 4 years my husband called the quits. I believe it was partially my fault for not being clear on the boundaries, and letting them get comfortable with the idea of a live-in nanny who also gave them company and grandchildren. But I was young and grew up with different values. Back home kids support and live with parents and it works because both parties understand the sacrifices and enjoy the perks that come with, and have a successful respectful relationship.
I adored my grandmother and cannot imagine my life without her being part of it.
Now I want better control of our expenses, they should match OUR finances and not my in-laws. Your site has been a motivator and I’ll be checking back often. Sometimes more than your family, people you don’t know and have never met turn out to be of great help and have such a huge impact on your life, thanks so much.
That sounds like a terrible situation, Shamsa! I can’t believe you lasted for 4 years. It’s definitely important to be clear on the boundaries and what is expected. I’m sorry you had to go through that as your “welcome” to the US!
My husband and I are also living with my parents for a few years while we pay off nearly 100k of student loan debt. These are very useful tips! I think one of the most important parts is communicating about expectations right away and on a regular basis. Most of the disagreements I’ve had with my parents are based on miscommunications or misunderstandings about expectations. The most difficult part for us is that we do share a (tiny) kitchen. We’ve all had to learn to be more patient with each other.
Yes! Communication is huge! I’m glad things are working out well for you. Sharing a kitchen is tough!
A little ‘off topic’ but does anyone have any experience of mum moving in? My mum lives about 8 hours drive away and my brother and his family, who lives less than an hour away, is about to move to Dubai so she will be on her own. We get on really well but I’m a bit concerned that at 65 she could live with us for the next 20 years! It’s just me and hubby at the moment.
Timely post seeing as my husband and our two kids will be moving in with my parents next week! It is just until my husband can get a job while he goes back to school for a second bachelor’s degree and a master’s, so we’re hoping to be there for less than a month. Nonetheless, we aren’t looking forward to losing our independence and living in close quarters, even though we have a good relationship with my family!
My sister and her husband and kids lived with my parents for a while. It did not go well. There were no ground rules and no house rules – so if one of the kids was in my parents’ part of the house and doing something that was against my parents’ rules and my mom asked him not to do it, my sister would yell at my mother. My sister seemed to revert back to being a teenager as soon as she moved in (she didn’t want to do any of the cooking or cleaning). It was really not good, and their relationship didn’t improve until my sister’s family moved out and got their own place.
That’s rough Becca! It definitely doesn’t work out well for everyone. I’m glad that their relationship is improving now that they aren’t sharing living space!
I think it is great that you are able to take advantage of this living situation. Obviously, you have worked at it and are committed. Although, I have several questions (I’m curious). I understand if you are not comfortable answering them. How did this arrangement first come to be? (did you express and interest and they offered? did you ask outright?). Who paid for the renovations to make the basement a self-contained living space? Do you ever feel guilty about not paying anything? (I am not insinuating by any means…)
These are great questions Maureen and I’m happy to answer them!
My in-laws offered to let us live here. It was completely their idea. We stayed here when we moved back to California and my husband and I had both intended for it to be very temporary. His mom had it in her mind that we would be staying for a while though. When we decided to take the plunge for complete debt payoff, it just made sense to take them up on the offer. We offered to pay rent and help with utilities, but they always turn us down. They know that we are working hard to pay off debt. They also know what it’s like to raise a family while building a business, and having debt.
My in-laws paid for most of the “renovations”, but I’d use the term “renovations” pretty loosely. It is still a very much unfinished basement (cement floor, concrete walls, zero closets, storage shelves all around, etc). The kitchen sink and cupboards are ones that were pulled out when someone was remodeling back when by husband was a kid. They had just been gathering dust in the basement for decades. It was just a matter of installing them and plumbing the sink (it’s right next to the washing machine, so the plumbing was already there). My father-in-law and husband did the bathroom. It’s the most finished and the best looking room in the house! My in-laws had been planning to finish the basement for years, but it just never happened. Thankfully we are pretty easy-going.
My in-laws are very generous and helpful, so yes, I do feel bad that we aren’t paying anything. They have done so much for us! At the same time, I know that they don’t want us to feel bad or feel guilty, so when I start to feel like that I try to focus on showing gratitude instead. My mother-in-law tells me often how she is so glad that we’re here and she has never ever made us feel like a burden, which really helps me feel better.
It’s such a brave decision to make that kind of sacrifice to make sure you get where you need to be as fast as possible! I’m not sure I could do it (mostly because I can only take either set of parents for a short period of time, haha)! We did decide to downsize from our dream home to the cheapest house that we could find though, and that has allowed us to be almost $250,000 less in debt in just a year!
Thanks. That would be hard to downsize from your dream home too, but it sounds like it’s made a huge dent in your overall debt!
My husband’s family culture is atypical. His parents moved out of the family home several years back (after the kids had all graduated and moved out), and the kids have all moved back home for at least a while. Currently, all 3 of his sisters live there, as well as 2 nieces. We want to move back down there before our son starts school. I guess at one point, the oldest sister told my husband that we should buy the house from his parents, but I know the house would never really feel like its “mine” if we did move in. The boundaries would be really hard to establish at that point.
That does sound like it would be hard to establish boundaries with that many people.
I lived with my future in-laws for a couple years and it went great overall. I paid them a small rent, and was able to pay off credit card debt and save a nice emergency fund. The “house culture” was different than what I was used to, but I got used to it and enjoyed it over time.
That’s great Sarah! Flexibility is definitely a key to success. 🙂
I’m with Amy. I love my family DEARLY, but I could never live with either side. I’ve lived on my own since I was 17 except a two week period between leases at 20. I lived with my mom then. My husband lived with his mom over summer holidays during college for several years. Now, I am so used to being on my own that I can’t even stand to stay at their house when we visit. We stay because it is free as opposed to a hotel room, but in the future we might just splurge on rooms. Both of our moms are amazing people. I just know the situation isn’t for us.
I totally get that CeCee! I’ve felt like that after visiting family too! It’s definitely not a solution that will work for everyone. My MIL and I have very different personalities, but we get along well. She is very encouraging about our paying off debt. She often tells us that she likes us living here and has never been critical of anything. My husband and I are pretty easy-going, which really helps.
I lived with my Mom for 4.5 years when my oldest was young while I finished undergrad. We ate together, I did most of the cleaning, grocery shopped, provided cell phones, the computer with internet connection and helped with the utility bills. I helped with my younger brothers and even ran the household including take care of my brothers in the summers when my Mom had to go out of town two summers. For 3 of those years my grandparents lived with us as well. I found it frustrating at times because my son has a dairy allergy and my family, both that lived in the house and those that came over multiple times a week to visit, would give him dairy products. I had rules for him but they thought their way was better and wouldn’t always listen to what I wanted. When I moved for graduate school I knew that I could never live in a family member’s home again.
Now that I’m married, we have 3 children and a dog if we got to the point where we needed to cut our bills drastically we’d just buy a used trailer or RV and live in that. Even staying with family while visiting is hard for us to do. We have found that it works best for us to rent a hotel room. That way we have a space to retreat to when we need a break. It also gives us a pool so the cousins have a place to swim.
That is frustrating! Sometimes the parenting “help” isn’t so helpful. Though other times it is nice to have another grown-up available, like if I need to go pick my kids up from school and I have another kid down for a nap.
I think it is a great idea, but you have to have the right situation and people. We did live in my in-laws “second house” for a year and a half when we were first married because my husband became unemployed and I did too (the automotive crash in 2008/09). I couldn’t imagine doing it now; we would both have to be unemployed. Now, we would be willing to let someone live with us since we have mortgage.
Does your “apartment” have a separate entrance? Egress windows? We are considering two things for our basement for a potential future guests.
Yes, it’s definitely not for everyone! It takes the right combination of personalities. 🙂
We do have a separate entrance. Our windows aren’t technically egress windows, but we could get out (even the kids) if we needed to (like in the case of a fire).